


Atonement

by notjustmom



Series: Words, Words, Words [312]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Sort Of, boys finally talk, missing TLD scene, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 18:53:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13014012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notjustmom/pseuds/notjustmom
Summary: atonement: noun:  ə-ˈtōn-mənt: reparation for an offense or injuryearly 16th cent. (denoting unity or reconciliation, especially between God and man): from at one + -ment, influenced by medieval Latin adunamentum ‘unity,’ and earlier onement from an obsolete verb one ‘to unite.’





	Atonement

Sherlock woke with a start and a groan. "Not a nice way to wake a person, John. That has got to be the ugliest sweater I've ever seen -" He struggled to sit up, shaking off John's attempt to help him. "Ah, well, I suppose I can forgive you, as you brought me real coffee?"

John nodded and made sure Sherlock had both hands wrapped around the paper cup, before he let it go. He sat down again and gave his friend(?) the once over - he realized, if he were completely honest with himself, he had realized a while ago he had indeed been a crap doctor and an even worse friend for months now. Even before Mary -

Sherlock managed to take a sip of coffee before he turned his good eye on him. "Don't."

"Don't what."

"We don't do... this."

"Most people -"

"Have we ever been most people, John?"

John said nothing but looked down at his knuckles, still a bit bruised from - and shook his head.

"I can't believe you wore that for any other reason other than atonement for some grievous sin. I mean, reindeer and Santa, snowmen and what is that? A minion tangled up in Christmas lights? Please tell me it doesn't come with a soundtrack of 'Grandma got run over by a -'"

After a moment - sure enough, the tinny notes of the novelty carol seemed to rise up from where John sat hunched over in his chair.

Sherlock started to laugh but after a moment bit his lip and his face showed the tiniest shadows of pain, as he took a shallow breath and shifted his weight. "It wasn't your fault, John. I mean, I - should have - I should have found another way. I thought I had it under control - but then - she - she always understood the high-wire act better than anyone, Mary and I were quite alike in all the wrong ways, we both thought our reasons for doing things justified whatever pain our actions caused anyone else, and we both loved beyond our means. Love. I've never had a way - will you take this, please?" John nodded and took the coffee from Sherlock's trembling hands, and placed it carefully on the table next to the hospital bed. "I didn't have a way to - even if you would have seen me - and you were well within your rights to not see me - and not let me see Rosie - she gave me something - something to focus on, I had nothing else - when she died - I lost everything, John. I know you were never able to forgive her from when she shot me, I saw - but I chose to ignore what you were going through, because I didn't want to lose my family. You and Mary and then Rosie were my family, John. And I - knew you - know you. Better than you know yourself -"

John shook his head again and tried to speak, but Sherlock caught his eye and gave him a look. "You've been angry so long, John. And you trusted me. You don't trust anyone, especially yourself, but you believed in me. I - didn't know, John, what to do with that trust. And, over time, I realised, if asked, you would follow me to hell and back, and I didn't want you to - I knew you had already been there, I thought - we would, we could stay as we were, and then Moriarty figured it out, he understood long before I did, what I would do to protect you - and he made it a game, he wanted to see how far I would go to - because he had never loved anyone - he was incapable of feeling anything for anyone else."

"Shhh. Don't. Please?"

"Isn't this what most people do, John? Don't you want to hash it all out? You know I'm not - I don't feel things in the way other people do. I forgave Mary, because I understood her, once I finally reasoned out what she had been, what she was, still was, who she wanted to be. She wanted to deserve the love you gave her, but she lost you, and she didn't quite know why until the moment she stepped in front of the bullet for me. She knew in that moment if I had died, you never would have forgiven her. She would have lost everything this time. Catch-22... I know how you love, John. You love the same way I do, or would if - damn. Sorry, I'm so bloody tired, John. Will you sit with me until I fall asleep, or do you need to rush off to Rosie?"

John cleared his throat as if he could hide his feelings from the other man and whispered, "Mrs. Hudson has her - she's teaching her all about her stories..."

"Oh, dear lord..." Sherlock reached out a thin hand to John, and after a moment John took it in both of his.

"I am so sorry, Sherlock." He pressed his lips to Sherlock's trembling fingers and finally met his eyes.

"Don't - please, if you don't mean it, John - I can't - you mean too much -"

"I came here because I - I need to know if you can forgive me - forgive us - I want - I want to come home, Sherlock."

"You can't - you can't possibly want -"

"I do - I know I have a lot of - I need to - you made me see - in the way that you have - it's not a way I understand, I never have - really. I - know you are willing to die for me, you keep proving that over and over, I just wonder, if you - if we - could find a way to live together -"

"And Rosie?"

"I - want to give her a family, and you - you don't deserve to be alone, Sherlock. Damn. That's not what I want to say."

Sherlock fought to stay awake, but his eyes finally closed. "Tell me, John."

"I love you, and I want to be your family, and take care of you, be there for you like I always should have."

Sherlock's lips broke into a smile as he murmured, "There. That wasn't that hard, was it? I love you, too, John. Stay?"

"Not going anywhere." John watched as Sherlock finally settled against his pillows and into a deep sleep.


End file.
